Mr. and Mrs. Fenton are retired, and Mrs. Fenton insists that her husband go with her to Walmart, but he gets bored with all the shopping trips.  He prefers to get in and get out, but Mrs. Fenton loves to browse.

Here’s a letter sent to Mrs. Fenton from Walmart:

Dear Mrs. Fenton,

Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and may ban both of you from our stores. We have documented all incidents on our video surveillance equipment.

All complaints against Mr. Fenton are listed below.

Things Mr. Bill Fenton has done while his spouse was shopping in Walmart:

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people’s carts when they weren’t looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the restrooms.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, ‘Code 3′ in housewares….. and watched what happened.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and asked to put a bag of M&M’s on layaway.

6. September 14: Moved a ‘ CAUTION - WET FLOOR ‘ sign to a carpeted area.

7. September 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he’d invite them in if they’ll bring pillows from the bedding department.

8. September 23: When a clerk asks if they can help him, he begins to cry and asks, ‘Why can’t you people just leave me alone?’

9. October 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a mirror,and picked his nose.

10. November 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, asked the clerk if he knows where the antidepressants are.

11. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously loudly humming the “Mission Impossible” theme.

12. December 6: In the auto department, practiced his “Madonna look” using different size funnels.

13. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browse through, yelled “PICK ME!” “PICK ME!”

14. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumes the fetal position and screams “NO ! NO! It’s those voices again!!!!”

And last, but not least ..

15. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, “There is no toilet paper in here!”

Regards,

Walmart

I know its been a while… But here ya go!

I’ve gone retro… well, for shaving at least.

I’ve tried two blade disposables to four blade ones. Several different electric shavers sit unused under my sink. Lots of various shaving creams sit half unused. They all suck.

So late last year I went and bought an old fashioned safety razor. No, not a straight razor, but the kind that uses good old double edge razor blades. If you have an old house, in your medicine cabinet there is most likely a little slot you wondered what it was for. That’s where you put the old blades. Blades that cost a few cents in bulk, not 15 bucks for a 5 pack of disposables. The razor itself will last a thousand years.
Add to the razor a good badger hair shaving brush and a mug of shaving soap. Now the hot towel to prep, lather up the brush, and foam up your face real nice like the barber would. Apply nice short strokes with the razor, rinsing often. This is called wet shaving, and its the only way to shave. John Wayne shaved this way, as did Lee Marvin and George Peppard. Some four bladed disposable would hide from their stubble!

After a few months of shaving like this, I’m sold. The only thing I’ve added since is a bottle of pre-shave oil. This stuff gets rubbed on right before you lather up. Makes it a good bit easier to shave against or cross the grain. Keeps the razor burn down to nothing. A good non-alcohol aftershave just clinches the deal.

But give it a try. This will make you feel classy, guaranteed. A shave becomes more of an experience instead of a chore. What have you got to lose? Spending a couple bucks every week for new refills that won’t be sold a few years later? I can’t find refills for my old 2 bladed job. Soon you’ll have a hard time to find ‘em for the three bladed razor you’ve used for the last few years.

As many of you know, I live in Delaware… and we’ve been receiving a lot of ice and freezing rain over the last couple days.  Needless to say, the roads have been a bit treacherous over the last 24 hours.  This has placed most people into cautious mindset while driving… except for this one snapper-head that was in front of me on I-95 this morning.

To the driver of the white Ford Mustang GT that cut me off (in my green Chevy Impala) on I-95 this morning…

Dear Sir,

What the &#$% do you think you’re doing?!

You started off by changing lanes without signaling directly in front of me.  This is not shocking (since this is DE).  However, the roads are STILL ICY.  I was pumping my brakes furiously to keep from imprinting my grill design on your backend.  LOOK BEFORE YOU MERGE NEXT TIME!!! Then, since the lanes were a bit crowded during rush hour, I found  myself stuck behind you for over 5 miles.  This wasn’t a big deal.  However, during that time I was watching you through your rear window.  STOP READING WHILE YOU ARE DRIVING!!!

You were trying to hide it by having whatever it was you were looking at on the seat next to you, but it was OBVIOUS that you were reading.  Your right arm was stationary and beneath my view, so I assume you were using your right hand to mark you spot as you glanced up at the road in between paragraphs.

ARE YOU AN &%$#’ing IDIOT?!?!?!

I’m going to assume that you realize that the car in front of you might brake at any moment.  However, you do not seem to be aware that your hands instinctively move in the direction you are looking.  Whenever you look down to your right to read, your hands move the steering wheel… and your car starts moving towards the lane of vehicles to your right.  You do realize that, right?  I ask because I observed you crossing that white line and dip your tires into the next lane NO LESS THAN 27 TIMES IN A 5 MILE DRIVE.  Yes… I counted.

It was at this point that you finally departed my lane… cutting off a tractor trailer.  Good riddance.  However, I then got a real good look at the red, yellow, and pink flames painted around your front wheel wells.  Let me add a touch of insult to this post by saying… that looks really gay.  And, maybe you are… and that’s OK… but a limp wrist is no cause for such dangerous driving.

Anarchy

To this person (and anyone else out there who is not paying attention while they’re driving)… let me say this.

You are endangering not only your life, but the lives of those around you.  You’re not fooling anyone.  Myself and others like us are watching… and will volunteer to serve as a witness if you ever make some idiotic move and get someone hurt.

So… please stop.

• Stop reading while you drive.  (Do your reading in the Head like everyone else.)
• Stop talking on your precious mobile phones while you drive.  (Likewise, stop texting on your phone while driving.)
• Stop applying make-up while you drive.  (No one cares how pretty you are while you’re behind the wheel.)
• Stop shaving while you drive.  (Those battery powered shaving systems never work well anyway.)
• Stop changing your clothes while you drive.  (How much time do you really think you’re saving by doing this?)
• Stop eating elaborate meals while driving.  (No lie.  Once I watched someone try to eat a McDonald’s Pancake Meal while traveling up I-95 during the morning commute.  He had it balanced on his dashboard, and was steering with his elbows while cutting his pancake.  The funny part was watching the moron get very upset when his syrup spilled down the front of his stereo.)
• Stop letting your pets sit in your lap while you drive.  (More importantly, don’t let them drive for you.)
• Stop tuning your radio while driving.  (Pre-set your stations in advance… that’s what those buttons are for.)  Additionally, stop perusing your CD collection while driving.
• Stop giving attention to your children while you are driving.  (I have 3 daughters.  When there’s an argument… when something drops to the floor that the child wants retrieved… when there’s a mess that needs cleaned up… when I feel the need to raise my voice at the children… guess what I do?  I PULL OVER.  After doing this a few times, you will find that the phrase “Do I need to pull this car over?” will have become a very effective weapon against child drama.)

Thank you for listening.

But the idiots who wait 15 minutes in the Starbucks drive thru lane don’t quite get it yet.

McDonald’s beats Starbucks in coffee smackdown

In the ultimate coffee smackdown, it was yuppie Starbucks vs. Ronald McDonald.And the clown won.

Consumer Reports magazine said today that in a test conducted at two locations of each emporium, its tasters found McDonald’s coffee to be “decent and moderately strong” with “no flaws.” On the other hand, the Starbucks brew “was strong, but burnt and bitter enough to make your eyes water instead of open.”

Yeah, when will people realize that Starbucks is selling charcoal impregnated water, not coffee!   While I’d have a hard time saying I’m a fan of McDonald’s coffee, the new stuff they have is certainly much better than it used to be.  It is definitely drinkable.

Thanks to Silent Running for finding this one for me!

Just remember, it’t British.  But see just how flaming you are…

Question for the masses.  The whole unions are good or bad debate.  I’d like to hear from a union supporter on why the unions are good overall?

Most importantly, if unions are so good, and produce so much better products, happier workers, better value, etc., why do business owners in general not like union shops?  If I was a business owner looking to open a business somewhere, sell me on why I should have a union shop instead of an open shop.  My concerns go much higher than simply paying employees more and letting them go on strike every year.  I need to be able to compete against competitors with better quality and lower prices.  I need to make a profit.  Get more customers and such.  How will a union help the organization as a whole rather than hurt it?

This one goes out to Charlotte Shedd.  Who is too stupid to have ever read a history book.  Of course she lives in the neo-hippy commune of Arden in Delaware.

From The News Journal

Divided Iraqis must want democracy for themselvesWe now have a new Congress. The most important thing is to realize with whom we are dealing. Iraqis are not Americans. You cannot export democracy; it must come from within. It took this wonderful country hundreds of years to develop our kind of democracy.

You cannot bomb democracy into a people. They must want it for themselves. We cannot stop the sectarian hatred that Iraqis have for each other.

How many more of our dedicated soldiers must we sacrifice before we say enough?

Charlotte Shedd, Arden

1. I’m sorry, but I really don’t think you really feel you are part of the “we” are sacrificing.
2. Have you ever in your entire life heard of the countries Germany and Japan?  They were both monarchies or dictatorships.  Until something happened… what was it… Oh yeah!  We bombed the hell outta ‘em.  And kept bombing ‘em.  Then rolled in with tanks and troops and fought a very long and very costly war.  Then suprise suprise!  A few years of policital and social engineering by our troops, and out pops two of the best democracies on the friggin’ planet.

I’ve been trying hard to think of what to say about Molly Ivins being dead.  Luckily there are enough voices out there that sometimes, they just say it for you.  Thanks to Sean Golden for saying it for me in a comment at Dean’s World

I love how we can admire someone for “speaking their mind”. Frankly speaking your mind is not admirable when your thoughts are petty, insulting or just plain wrong. Molly Ivins was almost always petty, insulting or just plain wrong.