Survey says…

Hayzeus! Why?  Are you oppressing me asking me to justify myself?!?

Bah, just go give a read.  It’ll make you feel good!!!

SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT:   Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION:  Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.

SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT:   Improper bladder control.
ACTION:  Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training.

SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
FAULT:   Glass empty.
ACTION:  Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
FAULT:   You have fallen over backward.
ACTION:  Have yourself leashed to bar.

SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
FAULT:   You have fallen forward.
ACTION:  See above.

SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT:   Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.
ACTION:  Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.

SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
FAULT:   You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION:  Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
FAULT:   You are being carried out.
ACTION:  Find out if you are being taken to another bar.

SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.
FAULT:   Bar has closed.
ACTION:  Confirm home address with bartender.

SYMPTOM: Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures.
FAULT:   Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations.
ACTION:  Cover mouth.

Following in the footsteps of the original “Battle of the Network Stars”, Pirate-King is pleased to bring you a touch of nostalgic goodness mixed with the celebrities of today! We hope to follow the original tradition of semi-serious competitions, overly agressive competitiveness, and a dash of T&A to make you keep coming back for more!

Without further ado… let’s start off by jumping right into the deep end and introduce our teams!!!

(more…)

Ok Ok, I know things have been a little slow here lately, but we’ve been working on… an idea.

An idea so spectacular, well, it is worth the wait.

We’re coming out with the 21st Century version of Battle of the Network Stars!!!  Yea!!!  {thunderous applause}

Each week we’ll be posting the teams, the coach, and the challenge.  Scoring is based on you, the commenters.  Simply put, “vote” for your favorite team by leaving an interesting comment telling us how the competition goes.  An example, in the Fox vs. CBS fictional challenge of first to bathe a pig (pig not included) if you just post:

• Fox kicks butt

You’d score a single point for the Fox team.  However, if you go a bit above and beyond, by getting into glorious detail like…

• Reese (Malcolm in the Middle) scores a dirty pig by luring Rosie O’Donnell from cheering for the CBS team with a box of krispy kreme’s…

Well that’ll get your team a few more points.

The schedule is going to be:

• The “classic” networks- CBS, NBC, and ABC.  Considering the only show I watch on any of those networks is NCIS this is gonna be tough to figure out the team.  But we’ll do it.
• The “upstart” networks- FOX, UPN, WB.  Gotta get this one done before UPN and WB complete their merger.
• “Basic Cable” - not sure all the channels we’ll do, but you know Sci-Fi Channel has to be one of them.
• “Pay Cable” - the HBO, Skinemax kinda shows.

Rules:  We’ll pick 6 random characters from the websites of the networks we chose.  We’ll post by character and actor/actress names.  All must have current shows based on the website.

We’ll pick a coach for the team, who must have had a show on that network, but probably one that is no longer on.

We’ll run for a week, and then post the winners, decided by us.

After each semi-final, we’ll run a championship.

And betting is allowed of course…

To see all posts about the battles, click here…

COMPUTER PROBLEM REPORT FORM

From Your Friendly Techical Support Staff

—————————————————

1. Describe your Computer problem:

________________________________________________________________

2. Now, describe the problem accurately:

________________________________________________________________

3. Speculate wildly about the cause of the problem:

________________________________________________________________

________________________________________________________________

________________________________________________________________

4. Problem Severity:

A. Minor____    B. Minor____    C. Minor____    D. Trivial____

5. Nature of the problem:

A. Locked Up____ B. Frozen____ C. Hung____      D. Shot_____

6. Is your computer plugged in?        Yes__ No__

7. Is it turned on?                     Yes__ No__

8. Have you tried to fix it yourself?   Yes__ No__

9. Have you made it worse?              Yes__

10. Have you read the manual?            Yes__ No__

11. Are you sure you’ve read the manual? Yes__ No__

12. Are you absolutely certain you’ve read the manual?  No__

13. Do you think you understood it?       Yes__ No__

14. If ‘Yes’ then why can’t you fix the problem yourself?

________________________________________________________

15. How tall are you? Are you above this line? _____________

16. What were you doing with your computer at the time

the problem occurred? ________________________________

17. If ‘nothing’ explain why you were logged in.

_________________________________________________________

18. Are you sure you aren’t imagining the problem?  Yes__ No__

19. How does this problem make you feel? ______________________

20. Tell me about your childhood. ______________________________

21. Do you have any independent witnesses of the problem?  Yes__ No__

22. Can’t you do something else, instead of bothering me?   Yes__

“I’ll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex.”
“Duct tape won’t fix that.”
“Come to think of it, I’ll have a Heineken.”
“We don’t keep firearms in this house.”
“Has anybody seen the sideburn trimmer?”
“You can’t feed that to the dog.”
“No kids in the back of the pickup, it’s not safe.”
“Wrasslin’s fake.”
“I’ll have grapefruit instead of biscuits and gravy.”
“Who’s Richard Petty?”
“Give me the small bag of pork rinds.”
“Deer heads detract from the decor.”
“Spittin’ is such a nasty habit.”
“Trim the fat off that steak.”
“The tires on that truck are too big.”
“I’ll have the arugula and radicchio salad.”
“I’ve got it all on a floppy disk.”
“Unsweetened tea tastes better.”
“Would you like your fish poached or broiled?”
“My fiancee, Paula Jo, is registered at Tiffany’s”
“I’ve got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl.”
“Little Debbie snack cakes have too many fat grams.”
“Checkmate.”
“She’s too old to be wearing that bikini.”
“Does the salad bar have bean sprouts?”
“Hey, here’s an episode of Hee Haw that we haven’t seen.”
“I don’t have a favorite college team.”
“Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Darlin.”
“Elvis who?”

And the number one thing you will NEVER hear a southerner say:

“I couldn’t find a thing at Wal-Mart today!”

When Albert Einstein was making the rounds of the speaker’s circuit, he usually found himself eagerly longing to get back to his laboratory work.One night as they were driving to yet another rubber-chicken dinner, Einstein mentioned to his chauffeur (a man who somewhat resembled Einstein in looks & manner) that he was tired of speechmaking.

“I have and idea, boss,” his chauffeur said.”I’ve heard you give this speech so many times.I’ll bet I could give it for you.”

Einstein laughed loudly and said, “Why not? Let’s do it!”

When they arrive at the dinner, Eistein donned the chauffeur’s cap and jacket and sat in the back of the room.The chauffeur gave a beautiful rendition of Einstein’s speech and even answered a few questions expertly.

Then a supremely pompous professor ask an extremely esoteric question about anti-matter formation, digressing here and there to let everyone in the audience know that he was nobody’s fool.

Without missing a beat, the chauffeur fixed the professor with a steely stare and said, “Sir, the answer to that question is so simple that I will let my chauffeur, who is sitting in the back, answer it for me.”

This memo is to announce the development of a new enterprise-wide software system. We are currently building a data warehouse that will contain all unit maintenance data. The program is referred to as the “Maintenance Information Access Software System” (MIASS).

Next Monday at 9:00 there will be a meeting in which I will show MIASS. We will continue to hold demonstrations throughout the month so that all employees will have an opportunity to get a good look at MIASS. As for the status of the implementation of the program, I have not addressed the networking aspects so currently only one person can be in MIASS at a time. This should change as MIASS expands.

Several people are using the program already and have come to depend on it. Just this morning I walked into a subordinate’s office and was not surprised to find that he had his nose buried in MIASS. I’ve noticed that some of the less technical personnel are somewhat afraid of MIASS. Just last week, when asked to enter some information into the program, I had a secretary say to me “I’m a little nervous, I’ve never put anything in MIASS before.”

I volunteered to help her through her first time and when we were through she admitted that it was relatively painless and she was actually looking forward to doing it again. She went so far as to say that after using SAP and Oracle, she was ready to kiss MIASS.

I know there are concerns over the virus that was found in MIASS upon initial installation, but I am pleased to say the virus has been eliminated and we were able to save MIASS. In the future, however, protection will be required prior to entering MIASS.

We planned this database to encompass all information associated with the corporation business. So as you begin using the program, feel free to put anything You want into MIASS. As MIASS grows larger, we envision a time when it will be commonplace to walk by an office and see a manager hand a paper to an employee and say “Here, stick this in MIASS.”

This program has already demonstrated great benefit to the company during recent OSHA and EPA audits. After requesting certain historical data the agency representatives were amazed at how quickly we provided the information. When asked how the numbers could be retrieved so rapidly our Environmental Manager proudly stated “Simple, I just pulled them out of MIASS”.

The Top 5 Lines From Pirated DVDs
(Part I)

5> “Yo ho ho, Adrian!”

4> “It don’t take a telescope to see the troubles of three scurvy
dogs don’t amount to a bottle o’ rum on a dead man’s chest
in this bescuppered world. Someday ye will catch my drift
– aaarrr, that ye will. Here’s hookin’ at ye, Kidd.”

3> “‘Twas beauty killed the beast. Beauty and rum. Also,
a cannon.”

2> “My name is Pegleg. Pegleg Stump. People call me Pegleg Stump.”

1> “We’ll always have parrots.”

Someone beat us to it.  Thanks to Aeronaut!

Translations for #309:

Panel: Translation

3: Elan, I’m in love with you.

5: Elan, I’m in love with you. Completely in love.
Love, love, love, love.

7: My dad is being held ransom by an evil dictator.
I’m not really in the theivks’ (sic) guild anymore.

9: I cheat at solitaire.
I have a tattoo you’ve never seen.
I kissed a girl once.
OK, OK, more than once.

11: Elan, it turns out that I may not be exactly what you would call-

Interesting.

Regards,

Aeronaut

Second place in the race to translate came to Andy…

It’s open trackback day¦ So work on your masterpiece of blogdom, and then link and trackback to this page. I promise to send at least a few readers your way! Well, I guarantee I’ll look. And I promise a keelhauling to anyone who doesn’t. If I can find ˜em!

RandyRants.com wins it for today, if only for his application that lets me post to the blog from my PocketPC phone.

But getting Blog of the Week takes more than cool software.  It takes a good rant.  And there are several ranty goodness posts for your viewing pleasure!!!

just testing!

Let’s just say, if you want the government to do something for you, prepare to wait.

But man oh man did they cash my tax check faster than I thought humanly possible.  The post office must be in on it, since the check was sent across the country even!

nekkid chicks in snow
frostbite where it shouldn’t be
gets the blood pumping

It’s open trackback day¦ So work on your masterpiece of blogdom, and then link and trackback to this page. I promise to send at least a few readers your way! Well, I guarantee I’ll look. And I promise a keelhauling to anyone who doesn’t. If I can find ‘em!

Promethean Antagonist is my blog of the week.

Warning:  Do not click on the above link unless you know how to think.  It’s dangerous if you do.

OK, so I haven’t been to Burger King in a while.  But I did the other night, and they are still running those Whopperettes ads in the store.

So I’m sitting down eating, and finding just a little weird to be staring at a placard on the table with….

Miss Mayonaise.

fun pain, dirty girl,
replay eliminations,
right you are ken… belch.

Now you can raise money for the Veterans of Foreign Wars just by searching the Internet at GoodSearch.com.

You use GoodSearch.com like any other search engine - the site is powered by Yahoo! - but each time you do, money is generated for VFW. Here’s how it works:

1. Go to http://www.goodsearch.com/
2. Type VFW into the I support box and click on verify
3. Select Veterans of Foreign Wars - VFW (Kansas City, MO)
4. Search the Internet just like you would with any search engine
5. Since GoodSearch shares its advertising revenue with charities and schools, every time you search the web at GoodSearch, you’ll be earning money for VFW.

GoodSearch also has a toolbar you can download from the homepage so that you can search right from the top of your browser.

You can keep track of the VFW’s estimated earnings by clicking on amount raised once you designate the Veterans of Foreign Wars - VFW (Kansas City, MO) as your organization of choice. The more people who use the site, the more money we’ll earn to help support our many programs for veterans, so please spread the word.

Thanks for your support,

Allen “Gunner” Kent
Adjutant General
Veterans of Foreign Wars of the United States