If your turkey is still frozen by now, you’re kinda in trouble.

Because you should already have it in
the brine.

On the same day that the new, possibly even more deadly X-Box 360 comes out, we have this story from The Register…

An Anglesey woman was pulled unconscious from her house by two strangers after succumbing to smoke generated by a faulty Xbox.

No Jail Time for Florida Teacher in Sex Case

To place an attractive young woman in that kind of hell hole is like putting a piece of raw meat in with the lions,” Lafave’s attorney, John Fitzgibbons, said in July of the possibility of jail time. “I’m not sure she would survive.”
[...]
Fitzgibbons said in July that plea negotiations had broken off because prosecutors insisted on prison time, which he said would be too dangerous for someone as attractive as Lafave. He said then that she planned to plead insanity at trial, claiming emotional stress kept her from knowing right from wrong.

So being cute or good looking is a defense to keep you from going to prison? WTF?
That’s just crazy talk. Hardcore butch lesbian inmates deserve cute girlfriends too! I think this is a violation of their civil rights, and the civil rights of all the pervs who won’t get their next edition of “Women in Prison” magazine.

OK… that was quick.

I made some quick assumptions on a few words for Strip # 248, and the rest just seemed to fall into place.

Ry dgose du ecggqv rt oii wkssu-emksnrsb.
It means my speech is all funny-sounding.

Qmdg obors?
Come again?

Qos emdghmnu cigoeg bgy zggcu ytoseegfkoi mww dg?
Can somebody please get weepy transsexual off me?

The only word I’m not 100% sure of is "weepy", since the letter W isn’t used anywhere else in the strip.  However, judging from the tears that are flowing in the panel, this seems like a logical assumption.  Also, I suspect that Rich accidentally omitted the word "THIS" from Haley’s third line… which was probably meant to have read as "Can somebody please get this weepy transsexual off me?"

I….HATE….COLDS…

I want to shoot a a jet of water through my head to clean it out.

I want to stop dripping, drooling, and dragging my way through the work day.

I want to dip my nose and upper lip into a cool stream and let it soak for a few days.

But most of all I want to annihalate every single virus, bacteria, and other random pest on the planet.

So…What’s in YOUR sinuses?

Post your quack remedies…

I’m sure that there are many "Order of the Stick" fans out there that are asking yourselves… What is Haley Starshine saying in strip # 247?

Well… I have the answer.

In the following, I have listed what Haley said in the strip… immediately followed by the translation.  Unfortunately, Rich Burlew (aka the "Giant in the Playground") changed the cryptogram up on us for strip # 248.  So I haven’t had the chance to translate it yet… but I’m working on it!

Mnbrvcnp!
Treasure!

Wiup! Rdd is fm, wiup F tru’m epdfpjp fm’v rdd wiup!
Gone! All of it, gone I can’t believe it’s all gone!

F wim prmpu eh r ynrwiu sin mqrm snprzfu’ mnbrvcnp!
I got eaten by a dragon for that freakin’ treasure!

F wim jiafmpy ck! Eh r yfvwcvmfuw rtfy-enprmqfuw ynrwiu! Ruy uix fm’v WIUP!
I got vomited up! By a disgusting acid-breathing dragon! And now it’s GONE!

Uim MQP diim, AH diim. Afup!
Not THE loot, MY loot. Mine!

Xrfm, xqh yi F vicuy scuuh? Qpddi? Qpddi?
Wait, why do I sound funny? Hello? Hello?

Xqrm? Ui! Yiu’m hic yrnp!
What? No! Don’t you dare!

Vuprz rmmrtz eiim mi mqp srtp!
Sneak attack boot to the face!

Yrnu vmnrfwqm.
Darn straight.

Everyone is too damn sensitive these days…

To: All Commands
Subject: Inappropriate T-Shirts
Ref: ComMidEastFor Inst 16134//24 K

1. All commanders promulgate upon receipt.

2. The following T-shirts are no longer to be worn on or off base by any military or civilian personnel serving in the Middle East:

“Eat Pork Or Die” [both English and Arabic versions]

“Shrine Busters” [Various. Show burning minarets or bomb/artillery shells impacting Islamic shrines. Some with unit logos.]

“Napalm, Sticks Like Crazy” [Both English and Arabic versions]

“Goat - it isn’t just for breakfast any more.” [Both English and Arabic versions]

“The road to Paradise begins with me.” [Mostly Arabic versions but some in English. Some show sniper scope cross-hairs]

“Guns don’t kill people. I kill people.” [Both Arabic and English versions]

“Pork. The other white meat.” [Arabic version]
……

Read more over at Argghhh…

Juggies is still the top way people find this website. But what is more funny is some of the one off searches we’ve gotten.

getting pee stains out of your car
pomeranian eats infant
banned episode of pokemon
naked girls from syria
balsa stargate
busty wenches
jeanine garofalo nude
ninja meganekko
kinky women in kuwait
alice cooper salary
“iced tea” pattern nlp
On grid solar pirates
alternative horrorscope the worst of the lot
“calvin and hobbes” physics
quicksand sink sexy
pennicilin order
pirates of panties
democrat butt head
what should I do when ghosts visitis me help
History of Choke-A-Chicken
have you ever been killed by a pirate
Mississippi kinky women

Damn… thats all messed up. Let me help the one guy looking for democrat butt head by sending him here.

Presstitute (prÄs’ti’toot) noun -
1. A reporter, typically for main stream media.
2. Writer of half truths and fiction for left wing political gain, see “News”

See also: Country Store

I dropped out of college. Couldn’t afford to keep going. But thats OK, I was in the Air Force and had a very strong electronics background from that. What I have always found amusing is the almost complete waste of degrees that most people get.

This is wonderfully covered over at Just One Bite…

You don’t need a degree to sell shoes. Many (most?) jobs that now require a generic Bachelor’s degree would actually have better-prepared candidates if they were given a year of specialized training and an internship, if that. Where have apprenticeships gone? Why do we encourage everyone to go to a four-year school when they would learn more relevant job skills at a trade school?

I love how Eden even covers the ever popular MRS degree.

I earned my MRS degree at State U. College costs keep rising, and though most students have their education significantly subsidized, that just means that taxpayers and alumni are footing the bill rather than the student and his family. I’ve heard people say that college is important more for the social time — networking and dating — than the classes. Boy, that’s a long, expensive party. As conflicted as I am on this subject, since I need federal financial aid, I hate that my taxes are paying for Sue Lynn’s frat party tit flash to be the most significant event of her junior year, especially if I don’t get a look.

It makes me wonder if the Sacramento Bee screwed this up on purpose.

Chaos erupted when Rep. Jean Schmidt, R-Ohio, quoted an Ohio legislator who she said had called her to protest Murtha’s stance. “He asked me to send Congress a message: Stay the course. He also asked me to send Congressman Murtha a message: that cowards cut and run; Marines never do,” she said.

Two small words were incorrect in that story.
Ohio Legislator.
This was on the front page of their newspaper. Reading that an Ohio legislator called the Congressman a coward, well, thats just politics.

The trouble is, everyone else reports it as a Marine Colonel who was in Iraq. That changes the whole statement, and what I think is the singular focus of that debate.

The whole “we must save our troops” line is complete garbage. The troops would surely love to come home, but they realize what is more important.

One more tidbit:

Schmidt, who recently won the seat as house representative for Ohio’s 2nd District in a special election, was opposed by Democrat Paul Hackett, a lawyer and Marine reservist, who sought the withdrawal of troops from Iraq.

All the lefty blogs are going on about how shameful it is that they’re going after a veteran and calling Murtha a coward or traitor.

Just because you’re a veteran doesn’t give you a free pass in politics. George Bush is a veteran. Doesn’t stop any of them from going after him now does it? So Murtha got a few purple hearts. That’s great. I’ll counter that card with a 7 year POW in VietNam with the opposite opinion.

Rep. Sam Johnson, R-Texas, a 29-year Air Force veteran who was a prisoner of war in Vietnam for nearly seven years, called Murtha’s position unconscionable and irresponsible. “We’ve got to support our troops to the hilt and see this mission through,” he said.

Here’s another…

Because Rep. Murtha is a Former Marine Vietnam vet, no one is allowed to say anything against him. Well, guess what? I’m a Former Marine Vietnam vet, and there are thousands of others like me. I’m not impressed. When a member of our government makes a speech stating that we should pull our troops out, leave no one in country but station some in the general vicinity, he knows before he stood up that his words will be on Al Jeezera before he sits down again.

Nothing can be more blatant than that.

Representative Murtha from Pennsylvania, may be former military, and may have been decorated in VietNam, but he is a coward now.

Here are some excerpts from Captain’s Quarter’s timeline of the vote.

8:52 - The House finally voted to continue to the actual point, despite the vote from every single Democrat to run away from it. If nothing else does it, this shows the Democrats as political cowards as well as military incompetents. Why should we trust the leadership of the military to a group of people who run away from merely taking a vote?

9:00 - Rep Lantos wants “serious debate”, and he wants an interminable filibuster. That’s ridiculous. Murtha has been screaming for withdrawal for eighteen months, and we held a national election on the issue.

9:05 - Hyde and Weldon speak at length about the honor of Jack Murtha. That might make for great comity in the House, but let’s get a grip, OK? Jack Murtha has a great record of service, without a doubt. That doesn’t make his demands honorable.

…

10:12 - Sam Johnson wrapped up the debate well, and the best part came when he asked for an additional three minutes to complete his remarks. The Speaker asked for any objections, and several Democrats hooted out “Objection!” However, when the Speaker asked for whomever objected to stand up for his objection — not one of them would stand up to Sam Johnson.

If that doesn’t paint the Democrats and their lack of moral courage accurately, I’d like to see a better example.

…

10:35 - 403-3, the idea of immediate withdrawal gets hooted down. In another Profile in Courage, six Democrats voted “present”.

Now, my charge of cowardice is two fold. One, that they want to cut and run from Iraq. That they want us to abandon what was started.
But mostly, because I would say 80% of those Democrats in congress want to pull out immediately, but they would not go on record with their names saying that they do in a vote.

That is the true cowardice.

You know, I don’t care you who are.

Biscuits and sawmill gravy is a damn good breakfast.

John sent me this one. I particularly like rules #6 and #7.

New Rules:
Rule #1: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com. There’s a reason you don’t talk to people for 25 years. Because you don’t particularly like them. Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days  mowing my lawn.

Rule #2: Don’t eat anything that’s served to you out a window unless you’re a seagull. Drive thru is designed for people to lazy to get out of their car and walk about 50 feet to get their slop.

Rule #3: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids: lucky bastards.

Rule #4: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here’s how much men care about your eyebrows: Do you have two of them? Okay, we’re done.

Rule #5: There’s no such thing as flavored water. There’s a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket - water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That’s your flavored water.

Rule #6: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a “decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n’-Low and one NutraSweet,” ooh, you’re a huge asshole.

Rule #7: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn’t make you spiritual. It’s right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to “beef with broccoli.” The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren’t pregnant. You’re not spiritual. You’re just high.

Rule #8: Competitive eating isn’t a sport. It’s one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the US Open of Competitive Eating because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What’s next, competitive farting? Oh wait. They’re already doing that. It’s called “The Howard Stern Show.”

Rule #9: If you’re going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what’s playing on the other screens. Let’s remember the reason something was a television show in the first place is the idea wasn’t good enough to be a movie.

Rule #10: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it’s for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn’t gift giving, it’s a version of looting.

Rule #11 (this one is long overdue): No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can’t even tell if he’s supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don’t want to be on your web cam, dude. I just want to wash my hands.

Rule #12: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don’t need to know in months - “27 months.” “He’s two” will do just fine. He’s not a cheese. And I didn’t really particularly care in the first place.

So I’m doing some much needed cleaning in my garage where the junk has piled up pretty damn high.  If I don’t clean it out now, then I won’t be able to park my car in it during the winter… and I hate scraping the ice off of my windows in the morning.  Well… a precariously stacked pile tiped off of one of my shelves and fell down on top of me.  It wasn’t too bad, since most of it was rags, newspapers, etc… but there was a few miscellaneous wood nails in the midst of the mess, and they managed to scrap me in the neck when I got hit.  Nothing too bad happened… I just got scratched up a bit.  However, I did start to bleed a little (without realizing it).

Well… one of my neighbors emerged from the darkness and into my garage to talk for a minute.  He had a Windows OS question he wanted to ask, so I let him talk.  Anyway, the conversation went on for a few minutes before he spotted the cut on my neck and the blood dripping from it.  Here’s how the rest of the conversation went.

Bob:  So when I look in Device Manager, and open the Properties of… hey, did you know your neck was bleeding? 
Me:  What?  (touching my neck and pulling back a red hand).  Dammit. Not again!
Bob:  What happened? 
Me:  Oh… nothing out of the ordinary. 
Bob:  Huh? 
Me (completely deadpan serious):  That’s the one thing about living in Delaware I never could stomach… all the damn vampires.

I went inside to patch myself up.  Bob went home.  I don’t know if he’ll be coming back.

You scored as Calvin. You are Calvin! You are an obnoxious little six-year-old who knows way too much to be getting Fs in school. You know how to have the best time playing, and can annoy adults to no end. Calvin 100% Mrs. Wormwood 57% Hobbes 36% Susie 0% Mom and Dad 0%

What Calvin & Hobbes character are you?
created with QuizFarm.com

Yips to the Llamas…

Thanks to Gennie for this one.
In 1985 - Calvin and Hobbes, a comic strip by Bill Watterson, was first published.
Thanks Bill. I do appreciate what you did.

At Stop The ACLU

Blogger’s 1st Amendment Pledge

If the FEC makes rules that limit my First Amendment right to express my opinion on core political issues, I will not obey those rules.

[rant]

Ever notice these days how the young’uns among us seem to feel that the world owes them something? I know every generation has a ‘kid’s these days’ moment or two, but I really think there is an epidemic of ‘you owe me because I am human and take up space in this world’ spreading.

Take software or music piracy for example. The biggest argument in defense of themselves for stealing is that these items are ‘too expensive’. WHAT? You’ve got to be kidding me. In my world, if you want something but can’t afford it, then you keep on wanting it you either CAN afford it, or, if you want it bad enough, go out and get a job to pay for it. Not some of our younger brethren, however. They feel it is their god-given right to own latest version of Windows, or the latest U2 album, and since they have no money to pay for it, then they feel justified in creatively acquiring their desires.

CRAP, I say…CRAP!

What’s even worse to me is that many of these ‘priviledged’ individuals only take up this stance to delude themselves that they are doing nothing wrong. They are pretending to be ‘economically and socially oppressed’ into paying for a product, so they can justify the crime, which they know to be true in their hearts, to their heads.

Now before anyone points a finger in my direction, and questions my sainthood, let me dismantle it for you. I am not entirely innocent of a little prior creative acquisition myself. But what I never did, was tell anyone that I was de facto deserved of what I came across; nor did I ever claim to need something that was in truth a desire. That is the crux…

I could absolutely care less if you illegally copy and use Windows for your entire home network…what I cannot abide, however, is the cheap, half-hearted attempt at moral justification to absolve yourself of responsibility.

So, kiddies…

STOP crying about what has not been given to you free of charge when you think you deserve it for being alive.

STOP trying to justify the unjustifiable with flimsy moral argument.

If you decide to steal, that is your issue, but if yousteal and try to convince me it’s OK, because your family will starve because you don’t have Windows XP, or your sister’s life will be ruined if she can’t have the new Flaming Bungholes CD, take it somewhere else…

[/rant]

CNN reports that the CIA is saying Castro has Parkinson’s disease.

WASHINGTON (Reuters) — The CIA has concluded that Cuban President Fidel Castro suffers from Parkinson’s disease and could have difficulty coping with the duties of office as his condition worsens, an official said Wednesday.

The assessment, completed in recent months, suggests the nonfatal but debilitating disease has progressed far enough to warrant questions among U.S. policymakers about the communist country’s future in the next several years.

“The assessment is that he has the disease and that his condition has progressed. There appear to be more outward signs,” said an official who is familiar with the assessment.

Oh great, the CIA said it, and they’re always so far off base, the truth must be that he took Super Soldier serum and is running for Congress in Florida.