Insightful Differences

around lunchtime on Sunday, the 5th of December 2004 by Chad

Sometimes the differences between conservatives and liberals have to be examined closely in technical language, with deep analysis about tax laws, consititutionality of various laws, and the relationship to the UN.
Other times, it is written in such plain language that it is a delight to read. A comment over at the 2004 Weblog Awards by “song and dance man” lays it all out just perfectly.

Conservatives, inspired by a remark of the legendary Pittsburgh Steeler linebacker Jack Lambert, believe quarterbacks should be required to wear skirts, so they can more easily be distinguished from real football players.
James Brown and Ray Charles are conservatives. Michael Jackson and Milli Vanilli are liberals.
Most social workers, personal injury lawyers, journalists, and group therapists are liberals. Most ranchers, loggers, professional soldiers, and steeplejacks are conservatives.
Liberal jurors distrust the prosecutors and police. Conservatives figure the defendant must be guilty or he wouldn’t be on trial.
Most conservatives not only believe in the death penalty, they would cheerfully implement it, personally, if called upon to do so.
Liberals think capital punishment is a barbaric relic, and unfair to boot.
Liberals believe Europeans are, generally speaking, far more enlightened than Americans. Conservatives think they’re basically decadent, as evidenced by their complete absence in wars.
Typical conservative movies are “Raising Arizona”, “Patton”, and “Conan the Barbarian”. Typical liberal movies are “Prince of Tides”, “Last Tango in Paris”, and “The Big Chill”.
The quintessential liberal is the handicapper, the person who decides how much extra weight to saddle the faster horses with in order to make the race “fair”.
The American cowboy, of course, is your basic, full bore conservative. A hundred years ago an Englishman in South Dakota was trying to find the owner of a huge cattle ranch. He rode up to one of the ranch hands and asked, “Excuse me, but could you tell me where to find your Master?” To which the cowboy replied, “That sumbitch hasn’t been born.”