‘Am I Gay?’ Self Examination For Men
at around evening time on Sunday, the 21st of December 2008 by Capt Jake Fortune
- If you are over forty, and you have a washboard stomach, you are gay. It means you haven’t sucked back enough beer with the boys and have spent the rest of your free time doing sit-ups, aerobics, and doing the Oprah diet.
- If you have a cat, you are a Flaaaaming homo. A cat is like a dog, but gay — it grooms itself constantly but never scratches itself, has a delicate touch except when it uses its nails, and whines to be fed. And just think about how you call a dog… ‘Killer, come here! I said get your ass over here, Killer!’ Now think about how you call a cat…’Bun-bun, come to daddy, snookums!’ Jeeezus, you’re fit to be framed, you’re so gay.
- If you suck on lollipops, Ring-Pops, baby pacifiers, or any such nonsense, rest assured, you are a Gaylord. A straight man only sucks on bar-b-que ribs, crab claws, raw oysters, crawfish guts, pickled pigs feet, or tits. Anything else and your in training and undeniably a fag.
- If you refuse to take a dump in a public bathroom or piss in a parking lot, you crave a deep homosexual relationship. A man’s world is his bathroom; he goes wherever he pleases.
- If you drink anything other than regular coffee, you own designer kneepads. A straight man will never be heard ordering a ‘Decaf Soy Latte’. If you’ve put a Decaf Soy Latte to your lips, you’ve had a man there, too.
- If you know more than six names of non standard colors or four different types of dessert other than ice cream and pie, you might as well be handing out free ass passes. A real man doesn’t have memory space in his brain to remember all of that crap. If you can pick out chartreuse or you know what a ‘fressier’ is you’re gay. And if you can name ANY type of textile other than cotton or denim, you are a fag.
- If you drive with both hands on the wheel, forget it, you’re dying to tune a meat whistle. A man only puts both hands on the wheel to honk at a slow-ass driver or to cut off the jerk. The rest of the time he needs that hand to change the radio station, eat a burger, or hold his beer.
- If you do not send this off to all the males on your email list because you are afraid of hurting their feelings then you are definitely on the verge on being a fudgepacker!!
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(33 votes, average: 2.67 out of 5)
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December 22nd, 2008 at 2:28 pm
too funny.. and wow, i am a woman and i have no clue what ‘fressier’ is.. and i think i will sleep with out the knowledge too!
that was a hoot!
December 22nd, 2008 at 2:41 pm
Hehh, dad sent that post, so figured I’d post it. He’s so proud when he sends out email!!
December 22nd, 2008 at 7:27 pm
Crap. I’m totally f%cked up! Either I need to learn some more color names or admit to my boyfriend that it turns out I’m straight after all.
December 23rd, 2008 at 8:21 am
Getting a cat isn’t the same as getting pussy? I guess I might as well lube up and bend over.
December 23rd, 2008 at 12:42 pm
Mark..you can start simple start with the primary.. work to the secondary then you can go to the what the heck is that color..
red-blue-yellow..
red & blue = purple
red & yellow = orange
blue & yellow = green
lavendar is a version of purple
mauve is nasty.. a dusty rosie color.. purplie under tone.
ok i think i am confusing the straight guys.. so that should be enough for now..
December 24th, 2008 at 1:46 am
what if you can answer no to all those questions, but you are a guy and you like to get naked and kiss other guys, does that mean you are gay? Cuz if it does I think I might be gay
December 25th, 2008 at 1:12 am
can’t a man appreciate all of the above without being gay? i’m not saying i’m the “manliest” of men, but I know what I like, and it’s not other men.
January 1st, 2009 at 7:53 pm
Shawn- I think if the words “I might as well lube up and bend over” trip lightly off your typing fingers…
January 25th, 2009 at 12:28 pm
I want to say up front that I can totally appreciate the humor put forth. It was funny! And, in a lot of stereotypical ways, quite true. However, in response to Isaac’s post, as well as the original, I have to say that manliness isn’t determined by where one puts his cock. I know some straight guys who are irresponsible, liars, complete and total assholes to their wives – that does not a man make. At the same time, I know some gay men that are very much a man – and they like other men.
March 7th, 2009 at 11:03 am
omg i think im gay lol
March 19th, 2009 at 10:19 pm
This is the most stuped test ever this way most people i know are gay and it has many ofensive terms
I HATE IT.
March 20th, 2009 at 9:30 pm
wait, so if i work out to impress my girlfriend, im gay? …and when i dump her, i stop working out and im straight?????
March 20th, 2009 at 9:31 pm
and i’m gay
April 16th, 2009 at 4:40 pm
I’m getting rid of my cat tomorrow!
June 19th, 2009 at 3:00 pm
This is so dumb… according to this I’m straight, that’s what most people think when they meet me, but I’m far from it. Although a bit amusing, this article is very homophobic. It’s usually the uber masculine that have issues, just ask my ex-wife. When a man is truly secure with his sexuality, he doesn’t care about the above mentioned stereotypes.
September 1st, 2009 at 10:23 am
I’m gay, and I can assure you- you’re absolutely correct on each one of these points.
September 3rd, 2009 at 4:06 pm
People, people.
It’s a joke. Get over it. :P
September 10th, 2009 at 9:38 pm
stereotypes!!! being str8 doesn’t mean being stupid, unaware of the colors and flavors, just ask cheffs and arists whether all of them are gay. your arguments identify str8 as dumb/insesitive and gays as intelligent/talented, which is totally untrue. We’re just people with different tastes and interests!!!
I don’t like cats nor dogs, prefer hamsters…
September 21st, 2009 at 2:32 pm
I drive with both hands on the wheel because I had an accident and I need to be super-careful because on more moving violation and my license is going to be yanked by the state. I have a cat because I found it and I enjoy it. I only know basic colors, but I like expensive coffee. I only eat ice cream with chocolate fudge. I also am a concert pianist and make my living doing recitals and concerts. Where does these factors place ME? I think your criteria is funny, but certainly a very blatant generalization.
October 12th, 2009 at 8:33 pm
this is ridiculous! 5 minutes i will never get back!
October 14th, 2009 at 6:55 pm
80% of the things written above are SO SO SO not true. Whoever wrote that piece of bullfudge is SO gay himself. I’m gay and I still drive with just 1 hand on the steering, I hate Oprah, I don’t diet (well, maybe that’s because it’s in my genes to be blessed with great physique), I hate aerobics, I play rugby, I have 2 golden retrievers and I drink beer (on a daily basis). Howzat for ze being ze gay ? ASS !
November 29th, 2009 at 12:30 pm
OMG. I am throwing away all my beer. Cancelling all of my sports channels. tossing my Sports Illustrated subscription and breaking my Calloway wedge.
Cause I am gay, y’see – but not according to your test.
BTW: How’s that whole Bloody Cunt Licking Period thing going for you straight guys?
December 6th, 2009 at 1:21 pm
Man, and I thought no one knew. Maybe these are the reason my boyfriend and I were asked why we didn’t live in Wilton Manors, when we moved in way west of Ft. Lauderdale!
June 8th, 2010 at 9:48 pm
Wow…. I’m not gay. I like cats. they take less work than a dog by cleaning themselves. I’m an artist so I know alot of colors. I’m a muscian also so I get up early alot for travel and I LOVE starbucks. This shit does not make me gay and it is ridiculous!