As many of you know, I live in Delaware… and we’ve been receiving a lot of ice and freezing rain over the last couple days.  Needless to say, the roads have been a bit treacherous over the last 24 hours.  This has placed most people into cautious mindset while driving… except for this one snapper-head that was in front of me on I-95 this morning.

To the driver of the white Ford Mustang GT that cut me off (in my green Chevy Impala) on I-95 this morning…

Dear Sir,

What the &#$% do you think you’re doing?!

You started off by changing lanes without signaling directly in front of me.  This is not shocking (since this is DE).  However, the roads are STILL ICY.  I was pumping my brakes furiously to keep from imprinting my grill design on your backend.  LOOK BEFORE YOU MERGE NEXT TIME!!! Then, since the lanes were a bit crowded during rush hour, I found  myself stuck behind you for over 5 miles.  This wasn’t a big deal.  However, during that time I was watching you through your rear window.  STOP READING WHILE YOU ARE DRIVING!!!

You were trying to hide it by having whatever it was you were looking at on the seat next to you, but it was OBVIOUS that you were reading.  Your right arm was stationary and beneath my view, so I assume you were using your right hand to mark you spot as you glanced up at the road in between paragraphs.

ARE YOU AN &%$#’ing IDIOT?!?!?!

I’m going to assume that you realize that the car in front of you might brake at any moment.  However, you do not seem to be aware that your hands instinctively move in the direction you are looking.  Whenever you look down to your right to read, your hands move the steering wheel… and your car starts moving towards the lane of vehicles to your right.  You do realize that, right?  I ask because I observed you crossing that white line and dip your tires into the next lane NO LESS THAN 27 TIMES IN A 5 MILE DRIVE.  Yes… I counted.

It was at this point that you finally departed my lane… cutting off a tractor trailer.  Good riddance.  However, I then got a real good look at the red, yellow, and pink flames painted around your front wheel wells.  Let me add a touch of insult to this post by saying… that looks really gay.  And, maybe you are… and that’s OK… but a limp wrist is no cause for such dangerous driving.

Anarchy

To this person (and anyone else out there who is not paying attention while they’re driving)… let me say this.

You are endangering not only your life, but the lives of those around you.  You’re not fooling anyone.  Myself and others like us are watching… and will volunteer to serve as a witness if you ever make some idiotic move and get someone hurt.

So… please stop.

• Stop reading while you drive.  (Do your reading in the Head like everyone else.)
• Stop talking on your precious mobile phones while you drive.  (Likewise, stop texting on your phone while driving.)
• Stop applying make-up while you drive.  (No one cares how pretty you are while you’re behind the wheel.)
• Stop shaving while you drive.  (Those battery powered shaving systems never work well anyway.)
• Stop changing your clothes while you drive.  (How much time do you really think you’re saving by doing this?)
• Stop eating elaborate meals while driving.  (No lie.  Once I watched someone try to eat a McDonald’s Pancake Meal while traveling up I-95 during the morning commute.  He had it balanced on his dashboard, and was steering with his elbows while cutting his pancake.  The funny part was watching the moron get very upset when his syrup spilled down the front of his stereo.)
• Stop letting your pets sit in your lap while you drive.  (More importantly, don’t let them drive for you.)
• Stop tuning your radio while driving.  (Pre-set your stations in advance… that’s what those buttons are for.)  Additionally, stop perusing your CD collection while driving.
• Stop giving attention to your children while you are driving.  (I have 3 daughters.  When there’s an argument… when something drops to the floor that the child wants retrieved… when there’s a mess that needs cleaned up… when I feel the need to raise my voice at the children… guess what I do?  I PULL OVER.  After doing this a few times, you will find that the phrase “Do I need to pull this car over?” will have become a very effective weapon against child drama.)

Thank you for listening.

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