Fantasy Film Recast: The Dirty Dozen
in the early evening on Thursday, the 6th of April 2006 by Anarchy
I’ve been hearing some rumors about a remake of “The Dirty Dozen”. I did some digging, and it seems that the KING of unoriginal thought (Quintin Tarantino) is working on a project called “Inglorious Bastards”. He compares to film, but won’t make any claim it to being a remake. You know what… that’s fine. He can make a similar film along the same theme… and perhaps it’ll be cool. However, I’m pleased that he’s not calling it a remake because I have doubt that anyone could do justice to a remake of this classic.
HOWEVER… this bit of news did inspire me to Netflix the original film for yet another viewing. Then, as I was watching the film again (and LOVING IT) I starting thinking about what if a “remake” did actually go down. What would that look like…
I was inspired to re-cast this classic with today’s stars… and YES, in the spirit of the original film, it would have to be a nearly “all-star” cast.
So now, here it is. It’s time for “FANTASY RECAST”. I popped over to IMDb to pilfer the original cast list… and started putting down my choices. So, here we go!
Maj. John Reisman (Lee Marvin)… NOW: Michael Ironside
Maj. Gen. Worden (Ernest Borgnine)… NOW: Carmen Argenziano
Joseph T. Wladislaw (Charles Bronson)… NOW: Hugh Jackman
Robert T. Jefferson (Jim Brown)… NOW: Christopher Judge
Victor R. Franko (John Cassavetes)… NOW: Tim Roth
Sgt. Clyde Bowren (Richard Jaeckel)… NOW: Michael Cudlitz
Maj. Max Armbruster (George Kennedy)… NOW: David Keith
Pedro Jiminez (Trini López)… NOW: Diego Luna
Capt. Stuart Kinder (Ralph Meeker)… NOW: Michael Weatherly
Col. Everett Dasher Breed (Robert Ryan)… NOW: Jason Isaacs
Archer J. Maggott (Telly Savalas)… NOW: Edward Norton
Vernon L. Pinkley (Donald Sutherland)… NOW: Danny Masterson
Samson Posey (Clint Walker)… NOW: Kevin Durand
Brig. Gen. Denton (Robert Webber)… NOW: Edward Herrmann
Milo Vladek (Tom Busby)… NOW: Jason Statham
Now… I want to hear from you. Call it personal curiousity. Who would you cast?
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April 7th, 2006 at 12:17 am
Clear up a question for my, mate; was Dirty dizen a copy of Seven Samurai (Nana Nin no Ron-nin, or Seven master-less samurai) of Kurasawa fame? Or was it Shoot-Out at the Hooky Coral?
By the way, who are all those substitue actors? Never heard of a one. And how can anyone replace Tony Swivelass as Archer Maggot? Blarrs-fammy, ’tis mate.
April 7th, 2006 at 8:45 am
I think we could find a place for Keifer Sutherland, or Michael Chiklis, or Bruce Campbell.
April 7th, 2006 at 9:32 am
I do find that “The Dirty Dozen” was heavily influenced by the film “Seven Samurai”, however, it can not be called a remake (or “copy” as you put it). Seven Samurai is the first in a long genre of films about a team that is assembled to accomplish a specific task… eventually, “The Dirty Dozen” did follow, including other films such as “The Magnificent Seven” and “The Guns of Navarone”.
As for all of the substitute castings I have made… well… you’re just going to have to do your homework. I’d suggest you start your quest for knowledge with a visit to http://www.imdb.com. You’ll probably be surprised. The actors listed above have alot of well-known work, but are not considered to be main-stream “stars”. Which is fine by me… call someone a star, and they could get lazy.  Many of them start to rely more on thier popularity than thier talent… if they ever had any to begin with. Do some research… you’ll probably discover that you have alot of favorite actors that you never even realized existed.
Finally, I do admit that Telly Savalas is one hard act to follow. His portrayal of Archer Maggot was just good stuff. However, I would cast Edward Norton in that role because he looks like a normal everyday guy… but he can go from “apple pie” to “disturb” and “downright scary” at the drop of a hat. In my mind, that makes him perfect for the role of Maggott. Others will debate this… but I just tell them to go watch Edward Norton’s performance in “Primal Fear”. They’ll see what I mean…
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April 7th, 2006 at 7:22 pm
How about Jack Nicholson in the Savalas role, or Russell Crowe even.
April 9th, 2006 at 9:00 am
The only thing about Michael Ironside is that he’s a bit short. That’s my only disconnect…
April 9th, 2006 at 7:26 pm
Yes… Lee Marvin was 6′ 3″. However, Michael Ironside tall enough. He’s 5′ 11″… that should be tall enough. ;)
April 9th, 2006 at 10:08 pm
Then why does Michael Ironside look so short in everything???
April 10th, 2006 at 9:46 pm
I hope that no liberals are involve in the remake. You know that they would add MORE minorities, a couple of Muslims and a gay guy. Oh and a woman too. And during the course of the film the “heroes” would uncover the truth about how the holocaust was fake. They might even change the ending so that the “dozen” saves the enemy soldiers from the evil invading white imperialist soldiers of America.
Maybe it’s best that they leave the film alone.
As far as your fantasy cast, I think it would be interesting to cast Kiefer in his dad’s old role. I would replace Judge with The Rock and maybe move Ed Norton to another role and have Maggot played by Vin Diesel
April 11th, 2006 at 9:36 am
I wonder if you could even get a movie made in Hollywood today without liberals being cast.
Off hand, I can only think of a couple “outed” actors, who are still real men, who eat steak, vote republican, and think “feelings” are for wimps, women, and communists.
But although Vin Diesel has the look down right, I’m not sure that I can buy him being a little psychotic. Or a lot.
I do like the thought of the Rock as Jefferson though…
April 11th, 2006 at 9:37 am
Next, I’m thinking the next fantasy recast needs to be Kelly’s Heroes…
April 11th, 2006 at 10:20 am
Ooo… Kelly’s Heroes. That’s a good one. I might need to do that this weekend.
April 11th, 2006 at 12:40 pm
To put Vin in the proper psychotic light, think Riddick in Pitch Black. I was thinking about Kelly’s Heroes too. But I wonder how they would handle Sutherland’s role in a re-make. Remember his character was an anachronistic 60’s hippie in WWII. How you would translate that in a re-make would determine who you would cast.
April 11th, 2006 at 1:24 pm
That is a good question. How to update the character of Oddball… well… for a recast I won’t need to go into it too deeply, however you do pose an interesting question.
I do not think that Oddball would work right if he were to simply be updated to the modern day “hippie”… or neo-hippie. You’ve all seen them… the “hippie-like” folk who look-the-look and talk-the-talk, but can’t walk-the-walk. They aren’t so much interested in counter-cultural movements as much as they are just making a fashion statement. I don’t think I’ve ever met a neo-hippie who has ever put himself out on a limb by participating in any kind of civil disobedience in protest.
To be a neo-hippie, Oddball would most likely be a vegetarian… and be an active speaker for animal-rights. His tank would need to be covered in “art”… such as a leopard-skin motif… and brandish many stickers with symbols of yin-yangs and words like “Buddha” on them. Additionally, he would be overly concerned about conservation so he would need to have converted his tank into a hybrid vehicle.
All in all… to re-hash Oddball in this light, I’d find him more annoying than comic-relief. Therefore, let’s keep in mind that Oddball is supposed to be funny. To that end, we will probably just need to say “screw it”… and just make Oddball a stoned-out goth/spooky/gogan. By doing this, we can concern ourselves more with the humor of his aesthetics than any his ethics or politics.
I don’t know… any other suggestions???
April 11th, 2006 at 6:12 pm
Open Trackback Tuesday
So it’s OTA Tuesday. Sometimes this reminds me of homework, but it’s all worth it in the end. Everyone seems to do this trackback thing differently, so I see there are no definitive formatting rules. Only that you track a…