Tales from the East Coast #11: The Job Offer

around lunchtime on Wednesday, the 28th of December 2005 by Anarchy

So anyway, (as most of my stories start this way)… I’m sitting at work drinking coffee and fiddling with one of my servers… when the phone rings. So I answer it… (otherwise, why have one?)

It was a talent scout… looking to hire. Mr. HR Guy had called me out of the blue. Great! Ummm…. two problems… I never heard of the company before, and they had the wrong guy! You’ll see… here’s how the conversation went:

Me: Hello?
HR Guy: Mr. Anarchy? Mr. Matthew Anarchy?
Me (wondering what he’s selling): Yes?
HR: Hello. My name is David Togoodtobetrue from Nameless Insurance Company.
Me: Hello Mr. Toogoodtobetrue.
HR: Please, call me David. I’ve been doing my research on you. I’ve examined your resume and experiences, and I have been speaking with a few individuals you know… and we would like to extend an opportunity to you.
Me (getting a little excited, but still a bit suspicious): Tell me about it. I’m always open to entertaining an offer.
HR: We feel that you would be ideal to bring on as one of our vice-presidents, and to place you as the lead of our Cinncinati office.
Me (dumbstruck… almost speechless): Ummm… OK. Go on…
HR: This office is still young, and is in need of someone to make it a success.
Me (still dumbstruck): Tell me more…
HR: From what we understand, you’ve had alot of experience in insurance sales… and we think you’ll be just the element we need to make this new site a succcess. We’d like you to start by February if that is possible.

Now… I’ve never sold insurance in my life. He’s got the wrong guy. I start to put it together. My name is Matthew A. Anarchy. There’s a Matthew P. Anarchy working as a fancy exec type in my company’s finance department. I’ll be that’s who he thinks he’s talking to. The conversation continues for a little bit longer, but I’m having trouble controlling the laughter.

HR: Ah… you want to hear about the compensation package.
Me: Yes, please… ,
HR: We’re prepared to offer you a full benefits suite, company stock, moving expenses, we’ll help you find a house, and start you off with a salary of $160,0…

And you know… at that exact moment, the only thing that crossed my mind was: I wonder how long I could pull this off?

Well… I corrected his error. Told him that I wasn’t who he was looking for, and directed him to the correct Matthew Anarchy’s phone number.

The bastard… I should get a finder’s fee or something.